Jo Jo, Poori & the prince of pop
By Ali Sultan
Lahore: In what happens to be the biggest news in recent history, VJ Pinky with her grating voice -- that was voted most annoying by a nationwide poll not long ago -- announced that Poori, after releasing 50 albums, have decided to release their 51st album today. The first single is slated to be 'Mein abhi bhi jawan hun', followed by 'Jaa meri dawayyaan le kar aa'.

TV seriously !
Viewers, it seems, have an almost love-hate relationship with television. They want to discuss at length programmes they say they don't like on tv. From their discussion, it is clear, they have watched those programmes at length.

Anchor: Assalam-o-Alaikumwarehmatullahwabarakatu. You must be wondering why I can't just make your life easy and do with just Assalam-o-Alaikum. My dear brothers and sisters, this is why we, the Ummah, have failed ourselves -- our preference for the easy way out. We like to take the simple route because the difficult path, the right path, is challenging and hence always less travelled.

Now let's move on to our programme that will dictate to you each and every aspect of your lives. Yes, dear brothers and sisters, nothing can escape me, nothing.

Before I begin my lecture, I want to welcome the two scholars on our programme, Dr Maulana Mian Alam aka black turban and Dr Maulana Mian Alam aka green turban. …Thank you, gentlemen, for your time. I can imagine how difficult it must be for you to take time out from your busy schedule for our programme. After all, it is not every day that you get to do nikkahs, ameens and quls and jinazas.

First, I will pester you with a very interesting email that a stalker-cum-viewer of ours sent us. The email is from Murshad who wants to know if emailing is allowed. …Before you say anything, I would like to give my own comment since I am the anchor and I am charging a hefty amount for a single episode. Emailing is definitely prohibited and there are numerous reasons: it is an invention of the evil mind, the same mind that invented camera, microphone and electricity. Also, it promotes vulgarity because young people exchange indecent emails. …It also promotes integration of sexes because both the genders are allowed to use it and… it also encourages us to read and write English which is, again, the language of the same inventor. …Now I will request the green and black turbans to please be kind enough and, for a change, answer the query one at a time.

Green turban: Email is definitely prohibited. But there is a whole philosophy behind it and I don't think it can be covered in the brief time that we have. I will be able to give a detailed answer on my email which is patligali@nikahkhwan.com.

Black turban: Before asking this question the young man should ask himself what was the last thing he used email for? I am sure it was a forward email about Meera's alleged marriage or about a series of jokes about our faith or about latest products from some company. …Something tells me this is exactly what must have happened. A mere wastage of time! Well, here is my answer. Email is being used for all the things except the promotion of virtue. Hence, it should not only be banned but also made unavailable in this land of the pure.

Anchor: True, absolutely true. My heart aches; no, it bleeds to see people glued to the computer and then taking in, like poison, the trash we call Internet. But I hope your message will open their eyes to the evils of email.

We will now take calls from our dear brothers and sisters. Yes… ?

Caller: Assalam-o-Alaikum

Anchor: Waalekumassalamwarehmatullahwabarakatu. Yes, brother. Please ask your question.

Caller: I love your smile. It reminds me of how beautiful this world is, mashallah.

Anchor: Thank you. Please ask your question.

Caller: I want to say that your programme is, mashallah, very beautiful like your smile. I love the way you speak and the clothes you wear and the things you say and the colour of the background you use and the frame of you specs and…

Anchor: I apologise but brother please try to understand this is a national television and I am available on email for such praises but not here. Now let us move to our next call.

Caller: Jee, my name is Parsa. My problem is very serious and so is my question. The problem is that my husband beats me thrice a day every day. I read somewhere that a woman should wait at least five times before she reacts or hits back. Please tell me what to do.

Anchor: I like your question. I would like to tell your husband that what he does to you is, let's just say, a bit indecent. He should realise that you are not a child, otherwise it would have made sense. If he is a 'momin' he should change his modus operandi right here and now. As for you, my dear sister, be patient. And yes, you should wait at least five times before you talk back to him, but hitting back is not allowed under any circumstances. …With this I would like to end the show, thank our special guests and please don't forget to watch the next episode which will be called 'Momin Marathon' because we will be discussing in detail the menace of birth control that has plagued the nation for many years now. Allah hafiz.

(Background music from nowhere on Chef Jabbar's entry: 'Welcome everybody come welcome, welcome to the party Welcome Welcome Welcome……………………………')

Chef Bakir: Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you all to this year's most-awaited cooking show, 'Ready Steady, Spoof!' (starts dancing in joy). Let's put our hands together for the most famous chefs in our industry -- mein apki bharpoor taliyon mein daawat deta hoon to the one and only Chef Bakir and Chahat.

Chahat: (rather annoyed) How come Bakir is Chef Bakir but I am only Chahat? Call me Chef Chahat…!

Chef Jabbar: (not quite bothered) Okay, we have here with us Chef Chahat and Chef Bakir…

(Taliyaan)

Chef Bakir: My, my, people are so full of themselves… 'call me Bakir, call me Chef, call me Chef Bakir, or Bakir maseeh!'

Chef Jabbar: Forget all this and start the game. You all know what it is all about. …(in mock surprise) What, you don't? …Okay, it's anything but cooking… The two participants here will have to make their favourite dish in 20 mins and whosoever does it before the time will be declared a loser. …And, we will also have a celebrity guest deciding who won!

(Taliyaan)

Chef Chahat: (with a tinge of pride) Viewers, I bet you wouldn't have heard about this recipe. …This is exclusive, unlike what you see on all the cooking shows. …Today, I am making frozen prathas. I laid my hands on this after I got married. Of course, like all young girls, I hadn't cooked before, but larkiyan sub kuch seekh jaati hain shaadi kay baad.

Chef Bakir: (equally gleefully) If she is making parathas then I'll make you something you can't imagine! Any guesses?? (rolls his eyes) …Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is your very own favourite omelette!!

(Taliyaan)

You can call it a Russian omelette. I won't bore you with details on how and when I learnt it because, frankly, I myself don't know that. (smiles)

Chef Jabbar: Amazing! …We have a call. Let's first get it. Helloooo?

Caller 1: Hello… hello, Bakir bhai!

Chef Bakir: Apna TV bund kar dein zara!

Caller 1: Aap ney shirt bohat achi pehni hui hai!

Chef Bakir: (blushing) Thank you, so much. Yeh meray maula ka karam hai. …Well, the ingredients are: 2 eggs, salt and spices to your taste.

Chef Jabbar: We have another caller with us. Hello?

Caller 2: (a squeaky voice) I am Hina from Lodhran. I want to talk to Bakir.

Chef Bakir: Bolain beta, Ramzan Mubarik aap sab ko!

Caller 2: Uncle, uncle, my ammi is a big fan of yours. She writes each and every recipe you tell us. But unfortunately she doesn't make any of those dishes.

Chef Chahat: Hey, the frozen parthas are ready. (gleefully) 'Dun duna dun dun'. Please buy my DVDs from the market near you in case you want to have such paratha recipes with you for keeps!

Chef Jabbar: Wow! Now let's welcome our celebrity guest for tonight… she is the one and only, Chef… oops, information minister, our very own Anita Zari.

(Background score: 'Welcome, Welcome, Welcome……………………………')

Anita Zari: Thanks a lot, Jabbar. I am honoured to be a part of this game show and I would like to tell your producers they can hire me for a cooking show, too. I cook really well, you know!

(Taliyaan)

Chef Jabbar: We'll sure start working on the proposal. But, first announce the name of the winner, please.

Anita Zari: (after tasting the omelette and parathas) I wouldn't have tasted it before iftari if it wouldn't be for the show. …Well, both the persons are winners! Congratulations, Chahat and Bakir!

Chef Jabbar: Viewers, that's all we had in store for you. See you next time. Allah hafeeez!

Lahore: In what happens to be the biggest news in recent history, VJ Pinky with her grating voice -- that was voted most annoying by a nationwide poll not long ago -- announced that Poori, after releasing 50 albums, have decided to release their 51st album today. The first single is slated to be 'Mein abhi bhi jawan hun', followed by 'Jaa meri dawayyaan le kar aa'.

Considering the fact that both cousins -- Agha Shah and Agha Dabu -- are 78 and 70 years old respectively, it is safe to presume that the still untitled album will be a rocking (chair) affair.

The head of FM 66.6 has recently seen the light. In a conference that only included paper cut-outs of music journalists, the head with a booming voice announced that FM 66.6 would change its frequency and only play nice and light songs. FM 66.6, which was famous for wildly obscene programming and playing all music backwards, will announce its new programming in two weeks.

In other news, the prince of pop Ali Nazar after heavy insistence by his wife has finally confessed that all his songs are "heavily inspired" by Pishore Tumar and that it isn't really his fault. Nazar claims that both Pishore Tumar and BD Turban would come in his dreams and insist that he sing their songs in his voice. The fact that Badr is a certified insomniac is beside the point.

Jo Jo, in his famous confessional show, The Bell, after coming for the 100th time, has finally broken his silence over why he actually turned religious. Jo Jo last night broke into tears when the female host shouted at him and blurted out that his decision was not because he or his band mates had taken to bad ways; it was because his band mates ate a lot of pizza during their recording sessions and would burp all night long. And because all this burping, most of it at the same time, by three other band members, became rather hellish, Jo Jo one day -- inspired by a religiously inclined friend (who did not eat pizza) -- turned the other way and never looked back. Jo Jo also confessed that lately he has started to crave for pizza at night.

Three local bands have decided to not sing for the Indian film industry anymore. The decision came partly after Balochistan (now a separate country) has set up a new film industry of its own that is worth around an estimated $200 million. The singers of these bands have already started learning Balochi and wearing turbans.

-- Chal Oye TV report

Viewers, it seems, have an almost love-hate relationship with television. They want to discuss at length programmes they say they don't like on tv. From their discussion, it is clear, they have watched those programmes at length.

We are sure that the demand-supply chain is intact and kicking to justify the present volume of television. There is so much of tv that it is impossible to review it the way say PTV was done some time back. So, how to position the programming in this age of 24/7 television is the million dollar question.

A casual surfing of various channels available on cable is enough to confirm that viewership is what determines the quality. So if there is viewership for astrology, cookery, fashion, religion or politics, they shall be there. And where there are viewers, there shall the advertisers be.

Lowest common denominator then is television for us.

It becomes interesting when tv creates viewership – by making news and talkshows so entertaining that they replace entertainment programmes per se or when it reinforces stereotypes.

So we do a tv review this time in our own way. How we see television. You can't spoof a spoof, a cynic suggested. Television of the present variety only appears to be a spoof on tv. We don't subscribe to such a harsh view because tv does everything in all seriousness, we believe. But it is new, we acknowledge. It just does not get a chance to re-view itself. The volume of television is monstrous and a serious review looks close to impossible.

We are all hooked on to this little idiot box in our homes. We may want to cry or laugh at Michael Jackson's funeral but watch we must. Some people could not bear it when the live coverage of the Lal Masjid events and the killings came to an end. For them it was like a show that ought to have gone on.

Therefore, a self-critique for television is in order. We attempt it here in our own way.

DUBAI: Sadia Khan Show will now appear at 8pm, becoming the first morning show ever in the history of television to be aired at prime time. This was announced by the ever so innovative producer cum host of SKS, Sadia Khan herself, in a grand press conference called especially for the announcement, at Dubai's Grand Hyatt, Saturday.

"I feel very honoured as I talk about the new segments on my show," Sadia told newsmen. She also hinted at starting a quiz segment -- 'I'm A Celebrity, I Can Get Away With Anything' -- in which the callers will be invited to guess their favourite anchor's pet peeve of the day and then humour her out of it. The one who comes up with the right answer and is also able to please their favourite anchor -- "with a funny joke or a nice compliment, you know!" she said -- will receive a special gift.

A calm fell inside the hotel hall as just as Sadia announced that from now on, qaumi tarana will be a part of the workout segment in the show. "I am against all Bollywood music in our gyms. I want to show that our own stuff can also boost up our energy level during workout sessions," she said. She even scolded a random presswallah who wouldn't show deference.

Moving on, she said, "There are times when I have to miss my show as I am expecting a guest back home, so we've lined up a bunch of my very dear friends to conduct the show in my absence.

"It's a very fresh concept, a very novel idea. We're going to be re-writing history here. I mean, have you ever seen The Oprah Winfry Show without Oprah, or Jerry Springer without Jerry?"

"Hey, we'll miss you Sadia!" cried out a journalist in the crowd, who had been flown in all the way from Pakistan especially for the press conference.

"Yeah, we most certainly will. After all, no other show host sends up their callers for our entertainment like you do," shouted another journalist.

"…and no one else has the guts to make fun of a painter as great as F M Husain," butted in a third. "We salute you, Sadia!"

"Aww… that's soooooo sweet of you, guys!" Sadia almost choked with emotion. "I expect to see all of you on my show. You must take up one segment each." -- Odd Times

KARACHI: Traffic jams were seen throughout the country on Monday morning as thousands of citizens queued up at their local television office to be able to register and become a contestant for the spring season of reality shows. "They have become my new obsession," said 17-year-old Sana in Lahore. "I hope someone makes a racist remark about me so I become as famous as Shilpa Shetty and get to meet the Queen. Or even Shilpa Shetty!"

Sana's mother, who had brought her along to the casting said, "I completely support Sana's decision and hope she gets selected. Reality shows are responsible for developing an honest and open culture where absolutely nothing is hidden. I really hope they send Sana to France or some country so everyone knows why she left Pakistan, where she can actually wear a burqa, but she won't be able to in France and will come back glad for what she has here."

Meanwhile in Karachi, mothers-in-law were also seen queuing up at television channel offices. They were reported to be auditioning for a show that they could help reveal their family secrets on. "I really need to tell the world how my daughter Babli caught her husband Bunty's family stealing her china set which I had given to her for her dowry," said the 56-year-old Tania. "I also wouldn't mind telling Bunty he really needs to move out of his mother's house."

Tania's 23-year-old son, Adil, was also waiting in line. "I recently got fired from my job at a call center and I believe reality shows are a great career option. I would love to get paid to throw eggs on passersby and eat cockroaches, or even audition for a musical show. The neighbours have appreciated my shower singing skills for 10 years, so now its time for the rest of the world to hear them too."

Tania and Adil also said that their entire family was supporting them. "They have bought 10,000 rupees of phone credit so they can all call and vote for us to be on the shows," said Adil. "That money was supposed to go toward buying a generator but we think this is a better investment." -- Peo News

Shafqat Khan: Khawateeno Hazraat, on behalf of TV 1000, welcome to Bus Mujhe Dekho. Today, we are going to discuss an important matter that appeared in this morning's newspapers. We believe it has the potential to shake the foundations of this country. We strongly feel that if the free media did not take this up honestly, God forbid this country may come crumbling down. We have with us in our studios a panel of experts but before I introduce today's subject and panel, it's time for a short-break.

Break***

SK (host): Welcome back ladies and gentlemen. Considering the gravity of today's discussion, the minister for Interior (MFI) has called TV 1000 because he wants to give his input on the subject as well. We appreciate his farsightedness. Thank you sir, please stay on the line.

Viewers before I introduce our panelists, let me first bring in today's subject which is about the latest report by a leading US thinktank hinting at the possibility of the impending end of terrorism in Pakistan. We genuinely feel this is one of the many international conspiracies aimed at destabilising Pakistan. Just the fact that there will be no terrorism in this country may then be used as an excuse to cut off all international aid. We will be left impoverished, there will be no education or health or counter-terrorism strategy. There is clear danger that without aid this country may not survive.

Before I go to the panel that we have selected here, let me first ask the minister for interior his views on the subject.

MFI: Shafqat Sb, first of all let me congratulate you for hosting such an open and brutally honest programme. As for your question, this is a totally baseless report which has been picked up by the media for all the wrong reasons. The media has misquoted the contents of the report and picked up things out of context. Blah blah blah blah…(his voice dims and then fades)

SK: We'll come back to you Chattan Malik Sb but it's time for a commercial break. You are watching Bus Mujhe Dekho.

Break***

(Revolving chair moves. The host faces yet another camera)

SK: Welcome back ladies and gentlemen. Before we ask our panelists to share their views, there is on the telephone line with us independent analyst, thinker, politician all rolled into one Mr Fayaz Ghareeb. Sir what do you make of this report.

Fayaz Ghareeb: You see everything is in a mess. Look at how the government functions. There is corruption. We don't know whether the prime minister holds the reins of power or the president. Frankly I see this country as having reached the brink already. We've hit the pits.

SK: Please stay on the line. I'll come back. We have on telephone line with us Retd Lt General Fareed Gul. Sir, who is behind all this?

Fareed Gul: It is the Indo-Israeli lobby that dominates US politics. Who else? They are out to destroy our powerful country and the strategic depth policy that we have so successfully followed over the last 30 years. Blah blah blah (voice dims)

A panelist: (almost shouting) I want to ask why are you people so fond of this man without a speck of Intelligence. Why does he get so much of air-time. What has he done anyway except destroying us blah blah blah…

SK: I'm afraid it's time for commercial break. Viewers please stay with us…

 Break***

SK: Welcome back. I'm afraid we only had this much time for the discussion. I am sure you enjoyed it and we were able to evoke some relevant questions in your mind. We hope to introduce the panelists in the next programme which we shall be recording shortly. (To the panelists) Please keep seated.

(To the viewers): Keep watching Bus Mujhe Dekho!

KARACHI: It was reported on Tuesday night that the breakdown of mobile phone services in Liberty was not due to the rains, but because Chintu and Pintu, aged seven and nine, made so many phone calls to local news channels that the phone services were temporarily affected. Chintu and Pintu said that they had called up the news channels to find out why their favourite cartoon had been interrupted. "We were watching the Tom and Jerry episode with Dada Abbu when suddenly it looked like a volcano erupted on television. The TV screen burst into twenty different colours, and there was very scary music playing with some words flashing on the screen," said Chintu, still sobbing because he had not found out if Jerry had managed to escape Tom. "Dada Abbu almost had a heart attack," said Pintu wisely. "Then he looked closely at the screen and started yelling and calling everyone he knew, asking them if they had also heard about Timmy and Kitty's divorce, since he had just seen it on television." The two children then spent all evening trying to call television channels and ask them why they had taken their favourite cartoon off air.

Television channels were reported to have interrupted their regular news programming to break the news of Timmy and Kitty's divorce, but then they had to break through that breaking news segment to carry news of phone networks being down because of Chintu and Pintu. Dada Abbu's blood pressure is said to have stabilized in the past two hours, while Chintu has been promised by news channels that they will carry the ending of Tom and Jerry as a breaking news special and will also develop a special logo with Chintu and Pintu's faces.

-- S. Imtiaz

RIOTERS: Recent surveys have shown that Pakistani women are extremely delighted at the plethora of women-centric shows that have been airing on Pakistani television channels. "We're so lucky!" responded 80-year-old Hameeda in one of the surveys, to a question about how she felt as a woman about the show. "We're definitely not the weaker sex, as my husband has been telling me for 60 years. How many shows are there focused on men and their problems? None!"

98% of women between the ages of 19-30 responded that they felt 'extremely favourable' towards shows that were being hosted by size zero models. 96% of women surveyed feel that they now aim to emulate these women and their unhealthy eating habits.

The surveys also show that women's shows on television have replaced traditional sources of advice such as mothers in recent years. 45-year-old Aliya said, "My mother has been lecturing me for 20 years now. Finally, I have someone else to lecture me instead, and by a woman who is on television and is a celebrity so she has to be more sensible than the woman who raised me."

But tradition hasn't been forsaken entirely. While 30% of women surveyed felt that they had now learnt at least ten new ways of raising children, they still would prefer a good old-fashioned beating to discipline their kids. "This new fangled Western advice is all good, but I would rather be able to hit Bunty with a wiper," wrote 35-year-old Khalida on the survey form.

-- Saba Imtiaz

Caller 1: Uncle I am really interested in marrying a lot of girls. I have mailed you the imprint of my hand, could you tell me how many wives will I have?

Uncle: Beta Jaan, I see that you have a very bright love life. By my calculations, by the year 2020, it will be legal to have 14 wives so you can marry as many as you like and can afford.

Caller 2: Sir I am a dashing young man full of dreams but no job. I have been advised by my friends to try my luck in the West. What do you think?

Uncle: Where do you live?

Caller 2: North Nazimabad.

Uncle: Hmmm (takes a long pause), I am looking at your chart, your house of wealth is in the fourteenth chapter of the sun. So yes if you shift to West Nazimabad it will really benefit you and you will inshallah find a job.

Caller 2: But Sir…

Uncle: Oho, the call has dropped. Viewers we must take a break, but when we return a weekly roundup of all astrological signs!

Break***

Uncle: Yes, so we are back with Sitaron key Aas Paas. Here is a weekly update on the zodiac:

Aquarius (Mostly politicians)

Your disregard for the conventional will bring you either great wealth or great burden. In any case, your resourcefulness assures that you're never out of your element. Though your independence will lead you down many paths, do not stray from all the institutions of your past.

Pisces (Mostly actresses)

Beware of journalists and ex-husbands. Your inner child is a trustworthy ally in decision-making. Your lucky number for the week is zero.

Capricorn (Mostly common people)

Great obstacles will make carrying on seemingly impossible, but your dedication to just living life will carry you forward.

Leo (Mostly dictators and Maulvi brothers)

Your smouldering presence makes you an important character in your community. Hold fast to an air of mystery by prefacing everything you say or do with vaguely rhetorical questions. You will come into a great deal of money.

-- Ali Sultan

A regal sari immaculately draped on a perfectly contoured figure; eyes laden with varying shades of glittering colour, and thick kajal tracing their outline to perfection. Her hazel contacts define the fierceness or the treachery of her gaze. As she steps out of her stately car amid the backdrop of a picturesque location, resonant music announces her presence in millions of households across the country.

Eyes glued to their television screens, viewers all over the country take in the presence of this soap star with varying degrees of emotions. They detest deceit as she does, and embrace her when she is the 'damsel in distress'. They delight in the depth in dialogues and the variety in plotlines -- oh, there is so much to infidelity, deception, intrigue and revenge -- the sound effects (your very own personal earthquake!), the opulence, the high-octane indulgence in glamour, sprinkled with characters that are the stuff of dreams!

Oh, how I long to have the same flawless complexion when I wake up every morning! Don't you, too?

The effect of these soaps is unmissable -- when was the last time you didn't have those goosebumps at the twists and turns in the plots?

Talk about justice. The protagonist makes another appearance from the dead -- probably the third time in the same show -- and you are relieved because the evil will be punished after all. Next, the villain is thrown down a flight of stairs, and the camera flashes close-ups of his face -- surely it couldn't get any better than this! -- Courtesy: Telly Button

"Hey, hey, hey I am Bill and this is my show, the Kill Yo'Smiley Factor…yeah you heard me, this is MY show and I am gonna say what I damn as well please. Boy, do I love it here on Hoax News, America's favourite…no, the world's favourite news (brews) channel. All those other news channels are crap. SeeNN whazzat stand for See NNothing, ABCD(haha guess they are still learning their alphabet) MBC, DBC, NSNBC, Okayyy what's with the BCs ..Do they mean to imply that they show nothing 'B'ut 'C'rap".

Hoax News, founded by Rupert Murderdoc , started its transmission on September 11th, 2001. Its goal was to become the "The Most Doubtful Name in News" by providing its viewers only the "Bare and Blanched" form of reporting on the world's most trivial events. Why, you could be watching video footage of children languishing in disease and starvation in a refugee camp in Darfur or Somalia and Hoax News will make you realise how lucky you are to be living in the US of A.

The Hoax News Blurts have been designed to give you the guidance on how to further enhance your perpetual state of dementia. "Ever wonder how you can walk your dog and not miss watching prime time hour on Hoax News. Robo DogWalk is the latest example of how cutting edge robotics can be made to make your life more stress-free. This robot will respond to your dog's need to go meet up with its canine buddies tether itself to your pet whilst navigating through the streets. The maker, Amero Designs, claims that these are just the first in line of robotic assistance and soon more will follow such as a Robo Nanny to feed your baby…..".

"Howdy, this is Kill Bill again and on this Gawking Point, how I hate liberals and how they are nothing but another face of the deadly terrorists who want to destroy all that is good in America. And I miss our great leader/saviour George Push and he can kick President Odrama's butt who is just a big Wuss.. ." Yes Indeed. Hoax News is always there to cater to the its faithful audience and has truly lived up to its motto of "We report. You Deride".

Anchor: Hellooooo to all my faaaaabulous viewers! I hope everyone had a totally awesome weekend! ...Ok, so, let's get to the major piece of news from this weekend. Supermodel Nickie showed up to a totally happening designer launch wearing this atrocious number. I mean, please, just look at the picture. But before I get to that, how genius is this launch?! ...Designer recycled paper?! Genius. It just warms my heart to see celebs and members of the fashion fraternity come out and support this. Seriously, I think this is the beginning of a revolution. ...Green is the way to go! This is, like, the time Leonardo Dicaprio bought a Hybrid and suddenly everrrryone in the world had to have a smart car. This is the same. ...Pakistan is on its way to being environmentally awesome. But let's first take a look at Nickie. Now, this is most unfortunate. Nickie has the most gorgeous face I have ever seen, seriously, I ooze with jealousy every time I see her; but what's going on here? In her defense I have to say she was feeling a little under the weather that night so obvi she took some kind of medication which crippled her judgment. Just kidding Nickie! But who steps out of the house wearing something like that, especially if you know there are going to be cameras around. Make an effort sista! She looks like she's wearing a muumuu and I don't even have to mention the ill-fitted jeans. Come on, Nickie, please invest in a pair of 7's, you'll thank me later. Then there was philanthropist Sasha; now she's known for giving us very avante garde, unusual looks which are shocking, especially for Pakistani public. But seriously?! What is this monstrosity? This is not couture. She looks like a new-age crossbreed of Elvis and Queen Elizabeth the first. While leather and ruffles do not work on anyone sweetheart! Philanthropist or not, who's going to take your work seriously if you look like that?

For an event of this calibre I expected a lot better. Allow me to get sidetracked for a moment again; I must say again how great I think this launch is. Environment friendly products with designer labels are sooo progressive. I solemnly believe it's important to invest in items which are beneficial too, like, the entire universe. And they are also affordable! But not too affordable. You don't want every average Joe writing on the same stationary as you now. Yes so what was I saying? Oh yes, such a disappointing fashion presence at this event. I mean, there were people walking around with last season Louboutins, I shudder at the mere thought of it.

Ok so we have a caller, let's check it out! Heeeeeey! Who's there?

Caller: Hi, I'm Meesha from Peshawar. I love your show! I have a question for you.

Anchor: Omigod, Peshawar?! I am so sorry. You guys get cable?! Awesome!

Caller: (pause) ummm, yeah. Ok. So I wanted to ask, you know Peshawar is a strictly conservative society, so how can we follow the latest trends without upsetting the social fabric that we live in?

Anchor: (nodding blankly) um, right. You totally lost me Meesh! I don't do conservative. Maybe you could invest in, like, a cheetah print burqa? Animal prints are all the rage for Fall; D&G just did a whole line of them, Cavalli too. I think some locals must've done something too. It might be a little extreme but try it! Fashion revolution in Peshawar! Awesome!

Caller: (hangs up)

Anchor: Ok, so I think we lost that line. Omigod, can you imagine living in Peshawar? I hear they don't have daytime spas there…or was that Swat? I'm forgetting. Anyways, so that's all for today! Join me tomorrow when we analyse the biggest debate to face the fashion industry in light years: skinny jeans or leather leggings? Toodles!